Well humans I'm back and not a moment to soon looking at the mail that has come my way. Truth is humans, you stink bad, it's a known fact.

Dear Dr Z.
I've met a wonderful lady but it's been some time since my last liaison. I'm worried about my technique.
... You humans have far too many 'liaisons' for my liking, the thought utterly disgusts me. You humans seem to think of nothing else and then take ages in its execution. You want to try and keep a whole troop of females satisfied. Make sure you take a bath after.

Dear Dr Z.
I've a taken a year out from studies, any ideas as to what I should do ?
... You humans are so lazy, any excuse and there you are 'conserving your energies'. You humans disgust me. I'd suggest observing your elders, learning from their ways, however being human you're onto a loser. I've got a few jobs need doing like enlarging our waste pits, fancy it human ?

Dear Dr Z.
I have developed a mutal friendship with an enchanting Sixth Form boy. Although I am straight I feel very protective, almost fatherly over the lad. I have been posting notes on a certain band's message board. I feel like his adoptive gig daddy. Is this normal ?
... You humans digust me! the only normal thing about it is your foul human behaviour. Usually, I would send you on your way, but at present, I feel benign and must warn you that this young, innocent pup is merely toying with you, waiting for his chance to destroy you, rule the troop and have his way with the females that are rightly yours.

Dear Dr
I don't think my friend is normal as he seems to have an unhealthy obsession with the Power Puff girls which I find worrying. Can you help?
... You humans disgust me! Fixated by ridiculous fictional cartoon females and worries of normality. In the ape world your friend would have felt the wrath of the troop and been exiled along with yourself for siding with this unfortunate. Us apes prefer real females and leave the fantasies to the followers of Onan.

Dear Dr Zaius
Pants or boxers ?
..... try going native human, female apes love nothing better than seeing male tackle swinging through the trees.

Dear Dr
I've been lumbered with the in-laws this christmas. I'm dreading the whole day. Any survival tips?
... To be in a room full of humans is a truly disgusting image. The smell would be unbearable and as for your eating habits, you are on your own human for this one. Don't come looking for refuge with us apes unless you want to become an integral part of our parlour game 'pin a tail on a real human'.

Dr Dr
My mate always offers to give me a lift home from gigs, well he has to drive anyway and it would be rude not to take up the offer. The last two gigs he's said he'd turn up but failed to show. This causes me great inconvenience not to mention the 3 mile walk home. How do I tackle his unreliability?
... Humans can never be trusted, always devious, manipulative creatures, looking out for yourselves, never a consequence for your actions. You seem to fit the bill well. Luckily I did not meet you on your way home. I would have sent you on your way for sure, you disgusting human.

Dear Monkeyman
Which is better: peas or sweetcorn? I find I love the texture and look of the pea but sweetcorn has a better taste. Please help me out as I am having problems choosing between the aesthetic perfection of the pea and the taste sensation of sweetcorn. The turmoil this dilemma is bringing to my life is very disturbing and being prone to inner ear infections as I am, you can see how dangerous this kind of situation could be. Yours in desperation, Brian
.. You humans disgust me ... I'll monkey man you when I get my hands around your spawny neck. You are a particular disgusting human, that I would take pleasure in invoking all your bodily functions all at the same time. Go out find yourself a sweetcorn and stick it, as you humans say, 'where the sun don't shine'.

Dear Dr Zaius
I've stopped going out 'cos I always tend to get into fights, this is after consuming plenty of alcohol. I see this as a worrying trend. Any advice?
... You humans disgust me. To fight is a sign of courage, marking ones territorial claim. Too often I see compassion and weakness within you humans. As you are destined to ultimately die out as a species then at least you should go out fighting.

Dear Dr Zaius
What's the right age to experience 'the change'. I'm now just in my thirties and more and more I find myself listening to Radio 2 as opposed to John Peel or John Kennedy. Although feeling ok in myself should I be worried ?.
.... It's always difficult for apes to get into the minds of you Humans, you are so fundamentally flawed. Certainly looking at previous data on the subject the change in humans rarely occurs in your thirties. I would refrain from suggesting tampering with your dial. I fear that you could regress even further into the depths of 'classic' or 'jazz' fm. Try writing in requesting a few Clash or Generation X numbers, this may just address the balance.

Dear Dr Zaius
Broken my leg for the second time, while I'm on the mend I do feel that my hill running days are over, what do you think?
... Your pastimes human are of no concern to me. Any decent ape would know when his usefulness to the troop was done and do the honourable thing. You humans disgust me with your warped sense of honour so happy hill running, your days are clearly numbered.

Dear Dr Zaius
How was I to know that the kitten offered up to my best friend was to be the runt of the litter. He is now asking for half the vets bills. I cannot afford it, do I lose a friendship or find someway to get the cash? Please help!
... you show wise credentials human, getting shot early of the weakling. Your human friend has been foolish with his money. Show him no mercy nor the kitten if you ever see it again!

Dear Dr
Kylie or Madonna ?
..... what are we talking here human, child bearing material or musical abilities? Knowing how you humans think probably the later. Us apes would find out who sings the best while checking out the child bearing potential.

Dear Dr Zaius
Trying on various trainers in a well known high street store I noticed the shop assistant edge further and further back holding her tissue firmly against her face. She said unconvincingly that her cold was highly catching hence keeping her distance. Please Dr help, there was nothing wrong with her. It's my feet - I reckon I've got used to the stench, my friends will not say anything. What shall I do?
.... A common problem dear human, sadly one which has no cure. No matter how much you scrape and pull at your disgusting looking feet they will always stink, HUMAN, you will always stink. I do not know why you humans insist on wrapping your feet in a piece of artificial material. You're only making it worse for yourself.

Dear Dr Zaius
I was thinking of getting a monkey to stay with us do they make good pets?
.. You humans disgust me. I knew a human once that referred to me as a monkey, he certainly had major problems after I sorted him out, (mainly internal ones). You just don't realise how far down the evolutionary ladder you humans are. Even monkeys are one step more advanced that you humans. Go on have it as a pet it may even teach you some manners!

Oi Ape Dr
Forest destruction is just the thing for smart alec chimps like yourself. Without a home perhaps you will do us all a favour and join your real friends in the local zoo - locked up and silenced.
.... my dear misguided human, we have adapted to live in all environments, even your primitive concrete structures. Taking those away from yourselves and returning you to the forest would hasten your journey to your ultimate demise ... although for you I'm sure we could speed things up.

Dear Dr Zaius
I've found myself getting very competitive over trivial matters like at a recent pub quiz where even scrapping for half a point was a matter of principle. Needless to say I won the quiz for my team! I'm convinced there is nothing to worry about, I'm not even sure why I'm writing this.
... You humans disgust me filled with your own sense of self importance. As a species your existence would only be counted in minutes when looking at the evolutionary clock yet there is a nauseating self smugness about your race. Your self destruction can surely be only seconds away.

Dear Dr Zaius
Is smoking bad for me ?
... You humans disgust me. You force beagles and us apes to smoke 50 a day and then worry about your paltry 20 a day habit. The more you smoke the better. It will only speed up the inevitable ape domination of the world.

Dear Dr Zaius
I was thinking of redecorating my kitchen and wonder what your views are on interior decoration?
... Interior decoration !!! I'd rather give your interior a redecoration !!!
You humans disgust me with your incessant inane chat about matching colours and features. Why do you think a favourite ape pastime is to cut out your human tongue. God help your race if ever you breed.

Dear Dr Zaius
A mate of mine has broken away from the gang of friends and no longer mixes with us. I get earache everytime I mention the old gang and try to get him out with the boys. What do I do?
... You humans disgust me. It's a simple case of social hierarchy. the outcast should be left to fend alone and perish. Stay with the troop unless you want to go the same way.

Dear Dr Zaius
I've reached my thirties and have yet to settle down with a girl, my mum is starting to ask awkward questions. Any advice ?
... You humans disgust me. Always worried what elders think. You are obviously the weakest family member. In the ape world I cannot see anyone wanting your offspring. I suggest you hang about with the chimpanzees, you may well learn a trick or two.

Dear Dr
who is dr zaius?
... I am a very wise and very old orang-utang.

Dear Dr
Loved your first nite, was that care in the community on the decks? You should do more with the DJ area. ever thought of fairy lights ?
... how dare you be rude about the dj's, they are only doing their best. Fairy lights ? next you'll be asking for slide shows and dancing girls. this is the bassment not the london bleedin' Palladium.